As you’re reading this I’m flyin over your head on the way to San Diego for the week for a professional conference. I’m big enough to admit that I’m a coward and posted this as I jetted outta town so I wouldn’t haveta face anyone IRL who happened to read it.
This wasn’t an easy post to write. And actually, it jumped back and forth from my drafts to the trash for a good long while. Full disclosure I just might delete it as soon as I touch down in San Diego. Talk about being vulnerable, just write about your deepest feelings and then post it on the internet. Today, that topic is Depression and I’ll be your guide.
If you’re not ready for a deep dive into seriousness, which I know is pretty rare around here, then feel free to click on over to my Popular page to get some good laughs. No judgment. If you choose to stick around then please just keep an open mind (aka free and clear of judgement)
Now I’m not talking about really, really sad. I’ve been really, really sad. I know how to deal with really, really sad. I actually used to think that’s all depression was, was really, really sad. It’s not. It may be one of those, you-don’t-understand-until-you-experience-it things. So I hope to God you never understand it. Maybe depression is the wrong word, idk. If there’s a step in between really, really, sad and depression then I guess that’s where I am.
I can relate this feeling to a number of things to make it better understandable, but it’s mainly like this giant weighted and thick blanket that weighs everything down. Sometimes I feel like I might be able to sink right into the ground. Just lay down and I can feel my body being absorbed into the earth I feel so heavy. Other times I feel like I might just float away. Like my mind goes absolutely blank and all activity ceases to be. Talking about feelings is hard….
But it’s also like the Harry Potter Invisibility cloak in that you might never know I’m wearing it. (and yes, HP fans, I realize that’s not how the invisibility cloak works, so just go with me) I can be just as bubbly and smiley as normal on the outside, but the inside feels like a dark and foggy thundercloud just took up residence on my soul, and when I’m alone I just can’t smile and play along because the truth is I’m tired…
I can’t tell you what exactly brought it on. Well that’s kinda a lie, because I have a pretty good idea what brought it on, I’m just not quite ready to put that out into the atmosphere just yet. I’m also not comparing my experience with any one else’s. I’m fortunate enough not to have a constant presence looming over me and it’s only been in the past month or so with some big life things hitting all at once.
So I’m gonna sign off now, but before I do, I wanna just say that if there’s anyone else out there struggling through a rough time or keeping their depression a secret you can talk to me. Send me an email or DM me on Twitter. You’re not alone and there’s nothing wrong with you for having those feelings. We can help each other through the healing process.
So let’s talk….and please be kind….
Also I forgot my laptop in KY so this’ll be the last post until I get back, for sanity purposes.